


Look at Me

by StrikingLightning



Category: FTL: Faster Than Light (Video Game), Original Work
Genre: Character Study, Clones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fandom Blind, Friendship, Gen, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Romantic Undertones If You Squint, Science Fiction, Space War, death at the beginning, talking about death, talking about emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24397921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrikingLightning/pseuds/StrikingLightning
Summary: Brian, who has gone and died, is now a clone. His friends start treating him differently, but the worst is Pell who won’t even look at him. He takes matters into his own hands.
Relationships: Brian Culver & Pell Abernathy, Brian Culver & Xander Raul, Brian Culver/Pell Abernathy
Comments: 62
Kudos: 44
Collections: Discord Community Archive





	Look at Me

**Author's Note:**

> I write to entertain and engage FTL fans and get stories out of my head. I really enjoy reading people’s comments on their thoughts on my work the most. It really keeps me going. I wouldn’t worry about not having anything interesting to say or the such (I’m easily entertained like that). If you decide to write to me, I will be more than happy to respond back. :)
> 
> Special thanks to my betas, pen010 and X to the Zoltan!

The entire ship was at a standstill.

Brian was dying.

His eyes had already begun to glaze. His unbuttoned uniform revealed undergarments stained with deep red. Blood pooled around him, his blond hair disheveled.

The crew surrounded him in somber silence. He was too far gone after the battle. All they could do now was watch and mourn.

Brian had never felt this way before. He felt like he was floating, drifting between sleeping and waking, in searing pain that had started to ebb away.

He felt someone take his hands. Focusing his eyes, he saw Xander at his right and Pell at his left. Xander took his right hand in his own and leaned to his left, looking severe the whole time. _So warm…_

Pell clasped his hand with both of hers and gave a look comparable to Xander's. Her eyes were half open and looking straight into his, lip quivering. _But she looks so much sadder than him somehow…_

"Why do you two look so sad?" He croaked, the edges of his mouth curling. His mouth was dry, though at the same time he felt blood start to gurgle up his throat. "Everything's gonna be alright. I'll just be back in a bit…I swear, I'll always be with you." His throat curled harsher until he coughed blood.

He felt his left hand wetting and saw Pell crying warm tears, still looking at him. _You're worrying too much._ He used some of the last bits of his energy to clasp her hand back.

The pain shot up before decreasing again, and repeating. Brian groaned, squirming as if he could escape from it. He couldn't. He felt the grip on his hands tighten.

_It's getting hard….._ Static _….To_ ….Static…. _Think…._

The white noise in his head was getting louder and longer with each word.

_You…both…are….all….I…need…_

Static.

* * *

_So, why won't you look at me?_

Brian gazed wistfully at Xander's back. It had been a month since he had died and been resurrected via their clone bay. He remembered everything leading up to his death. His first memories back among the living were with Xander helping him out of the bay and handing him a towel and a fresh uniform. Xander showed relief the moment Brian stepped out of the tube. Brian hadn't been sure how long his formation had taken, but however long it was, Xander's physical appearance had been immaculate. His short black hair had been combed and washed, and his pale face was clean. But his grey eyes were still dark and tired, and his mouth was stuck in a frown.

_You should do something about that expression._

After the fact, Xander was friendly to Brian, but perhaps a bit too polite, Brian thought. When Brian would crack a joke, or even so much as meet Xander's gaze, Xander would smile half-heartedly, his eyes crinkling before nervously flickering away and back again. _You're treating me like you would a stranger when we were at the Academy. No, not even that. You were friendly to everyone. But you were polite to people you wanted to avoid. Doing this, after all we've been through? It hurts. Stop._

In his opinion, the _only_ difference was that his body had changed. He still appeared to be the same, though he had been slightly clumsy in this new body. He had his dying memories and everything else that came before. He wanted things to be like before. But Brian realized that, to Xander and Pell, more than just his physical form had changed. This changed them. And because they changed, he changed.

He felt a light breeze blow past him, interrupting his thoughts. Pell strolled past him, black hair in her trademark bun, without a word, and tapped Xander's shoulder with a brown finger. Holding a tablet, she showed something to him on the screen, but her words faded out in Brian's mind.

_But what's worse is what_ you're _doing._ Forget polite conversation, Pell had completely stopped talking to him unless it was ship business. Not only that, she wouldn't look at him willingly. All his attempts at small talk were futile, and serious matters were brief and curt. Strictly to the point. _This is its own kind of torture._

Brian was glad that their ship had had plenty of money to go around. Their weapon setup was already a serious threat to even 4-shield ships (though they rarely encountered them in their current sector). Because of how badly their communications were stymied, they would surely end up dying if they found themselves outmatched. Or, at the very least, increase the chance of death by a bit, and even that bit was too much.

Brian felt like he was on the one side of a chasm, with Xander and Pell on the other. He could see it in his mind: a politely smiling, but nervous Xander and Pell's stone-cold face looking elsewhere, eyebrows furrowed.

_Something has to change,_ he thought as Pell passed him, feeling the same small breeze.

* * *

It took Brian a whole day cycle to gather the courage to walk to the Engines room. Being unseen and near the opening, he heard a cheerful, "Tach, it's amazing what you're able to do. Teach me how to do that computation, okay? It could really help when we upgrade our engines next. Then, if you're elsewhere in the ship, we can still get everything streamlined so we don't lose evasion."

"Understood," the Engi's voice was neutral. "You are already quite capable with management. Discussed method rarely used in ship maintenance. 3% chance of use." Though Engi, being androids, showed no emotion, Brian still felt the sense of appreciation coming from him.

"How does that matter?" scoffed Pell.

Brian heard Tach whirr through his calculations and capitalized on the moment. He broke through the threshold and saw Pell's profile at the machines to his right. She wasn't facing him. She didn't even react to his surprise presence. _…This is going to be harder than I thought._

"Pell, kann ich med dig reden? Unter fire Augen?" Brian used his best pronunciation. It had been a while since he had spoken '37. Only he, Xander, and Pell spoke it on the ship. He thought it would make sense to speak in it should he find Pell with someone else.

Pell didn't respond. Tension mounted in Brian's gut as he saw words flash on Tach's screen silently.

Problem: "Pell, kann ich med dig reden? Unter fire Augen?"

Identifying: Communication. Translation of Dialect 1837XG: Pell, can I talk to you? In private?

Brian gritted his teeth. _Shit! I forgot Pell had helped program them to understand '37! How could I have forgotten that?!_

Calculating Best Course of Action: Take a hint _._

Brian flushed. Pell hadn't noticed Tach's screen and still looked fixedly at one of the engine monitors. Brian wondered if she had even blinked since he arrived.

Tach didn't say anything. Brian noticed he had started choosing his moments of when to talk via his screen versus out loud. Tach mostly did it depending on those around him. _He's getting a little_ too _socially aware…_

"I'm currently maintaining the Engines. And later Tach was going to show me something to help with upkeep until we get an upgrade," her voice was flat and left no room for the possibility of asking again later. His heart deflated. He didn't think his plan through enough.

"Not necessary. Maintenance will be handled for the time being. Time before arrival: 10 hours. A break would be optimal. You have been manning the station every non-sleeping hour. Engines are not in need of excessive optimization." Tach reasoned.

Pell turned her back to Brian and tapped something on one of the many screens. "Fine."

* * *

Brian was gone.

Pell wasn't sure if Brian remembered what it was like in his final moments, but she and Xander still weren't able to get that image out of their mind. It had taken Brian several minutes of writhing after he stopped talking to finally pass away. Charlie had suggested putting Brian out of his misery. Though everyone-including him- _refused_ to be the one. Brian wouldn't respond to anything either said. But Pell kept crying on his hand. Xander was resolute as well.

They only let go when Sem gently suggested they land to conduct a proper burial. After all, even though Brian was technically coming back, they still had to deal with his remains. They weren't going to just toss his corpse out the airlock. This was their best friend's body, and they would treat it with respect, even if he was coming back. But to Xander and Pell, this meant that they already went through the motions of an actual funeral for someone who was technically still alive. Without telling the other, Pell and Xander had made a mental note of where they buried him. What sector, what planet, what location. _Maybe one day, when this is all over, we could come back?_ It felt wrong to not record where they laid him to rest. It felt wrong to never visit his grave.

She wasn't sure how time had felt to him in those moments. But the sensitivity of the past overpowered any questions of curiosity she had.

Besides, it's not like the person she saw after the fact was _actually_ Brian. It was just a clone.

She had seen Brian step out of the cloning room with Xander. He sure looked the same, with his navy uniform. But his steps were clumsy. Not deliberate. Not smooth. Brian had tripped getting to his cabin.

Brian's presence would have been unassuming, his pace gentle and always with a purpose. Like the way he talked. Or, used to talk. Because now he only spoke when spoken to. He had become a meek shadow of his former self. Seeing that he was no longer the reserved person she had fought alongside with, Pell had decided that this clone was most certainly not Brian.

The Federation had officially stated that the clones would be just like the original. The fact that even there was a slight difference between Brians instantly shattered her trust in that statement. Beneath the small differences, there would surely be bigger implications. An omen to unpleasant change. Brian was becoming someone else. _I'm scared._

"It's just the adjustment period." Xander had tried to console her when the two of them were alone. "He has most of the muscle memory and knowledge and everything still, but he's just getting used to the new body. It must feel really weird…" But Pell saw the uneasiness etched on his face. Though "Brian" was technically still alive, they both had watched him die once already. He was no longer his original self.

And, possibly, they would have to witness it in the future.

She couldn't look at him anymore. Pell had been avoiding any instances of talking to him. Of course, this wouldn't always work. There were battles and times they had to disembark to get supplies. It was easy enough to forget the tension when their life was on the line. There were even times she could forget that Brian ever died at all.

But when he would get injured even the slightest amount, Xander would heavily divert from strategy to make sure there would be no more hits to the Weapons room and _only_ the Weapons room. Because not only had Brian lost his full independence at creating strategies (Xander had begun to override them when he felt they were too "risky"), he wasn't even allowed to leave Weapons anymore during battle. Xander had given the okay to spend money on their internal security, so if there were boarders so much as stepping in the direction of the Weapons room, Sem and Charlie would have enough time to rip them to shreds before they could break down the doors. And, should the Weapons room be hit by a missile, Tach would be required to go over immediately. There weren't many protocols that took precedence over the Weapons room nowadays, with maybe the Oxygen room and Engines being key exceptions. His injuries would be kept at the absolute minimum so micro-cloning could fully restore him to health over jumps.

Would Pell and Xander and the rest get hurt? Sure. But that mattered less all of a sudden. They had faith in themselves. Brian? Not so much. The two could wait a couple of beacon jumps to get restored to full health. What they put their foot down on was making Brian wait any longer than he should.

Forget emasculation, the two of them had basically stopped treating Brian as a soldier. Pell felt guilt at this too, but whenever she felt it, she remembered her grief and continued ignoring what he wanted.

They were acting like complete dumbasses.

This infantilization couldn't continue forever. Though they were well equipped now, there was no telling what was out there. And they certainly couldn't behave this way when they reached the Capital Sector. Or, even close to it.

_We can't go on like this._ She thought to herself as she checked panels. If not her cabin, she would hole herself up in the Engines room. It had already been her sanctuary. Brian had used to come visit her between jumps. He hadn't in weeks. Not that she had anything left to say to him.

"Pell, kann ich med dig reden? Unter fire Augen?" She almost twitched at the sound of his voice, but tried her best to keep a poker face. How long had it been since she heard him speak '37? It must have been serious, and she felt apprehension pool in her lungs. She remembered Tach was with her. Her worst fears were being confirmed. _He forgot about what Tach can do._ _What else is he forgetting?_

"…I'm currently maintaining the Engines. And later Tach was going to show me something to help with upkeep until we get an upgrade."

"Not necessary. Maintenance will be handled for the time being. Time before arrival: 10 hours. A break would be optimal. You have been manning the station every non-sleeping hour. Engines are not in need of excessive optimization." Though she realized Engi weren't particularly adept at human interactions and the drama that went along with it, she had been hoping for a different response.

It was getting harder to breathe. She turned her back on him and took a discreet exhale. _Damn it, Tach, take a hint!_ She clenched her fist.

"Fine."

As she turned towards Brian and followed him out, she noticed he wasn't smiling. Brian's presence was very soothing when he smiled. Her hopes sunk just a little further.

* * *

Brian's room was a typical small cabin, basically like Xander's and Pell's. There wasn't anything except for a bed and closet. Everything was white or silver, including his bed and sheets, and the light was harsh and fluorescent.

Pell sat against the wall near the right corner of the room. She huddled her knees together.

Brian just stood by the door. _Why'd she choose the floor?_ "You know, you can sit on the bed."

He had never seen a brown person look so pale. She shuffled around. "No, um…I'm good." She placed her hands on the ground, antsy as if preparing to spring back up.

Lightning struck his brain as he realized what he could have implied. _…Shit! That's not what I meant! What's wrong with me?_

He sighed and sat down to her left. _Well, Sem and Charlie have been training her for boarders so it's not like she couldn't snap me in half._ He closed his eyes as he spoke what had been running through his mind on repeat. "I wanted to talk to you because, well, we don't talk anymore. I feel like you're treating me differently."

Pell didn't react. Brian pressed on.

"I really need to know what you're thinking. You hardly even make eye contact with me anymore. I don't know if I did anything wrong."

Still no response.

"Pell, _please_."

Insufferable silence.

Brian was getting desperate. He opened the floodgates.

"You and Xander don't talk to me for fun anymore. I'm kept under lock and key during battles. We're going to get ourselves killed permanently if this keeps up. If it wasn't anything I did after I died, was it the fact that I died in the first place? Is it because I'm now a clone? Just tell me. Yes or no."

"…You're not the same." Pell whispered.

_Finally, something to work with._ Pell still wasn't looking at him but rather straight ahead. "Why do you think that? I remember everything from before. I'm still me. This body looks and feels exactly like the last one."

"Well, for starters, even if you think that, you _still_ lost part of you, right? That was your _original_ body. You spent a little over two decades in it. You were born in it, you grew, and then you died. Xander and I knew you like _that_. And now you're basically made of weird Federation goop. It feels too weird. How can you just act like nothing was lost?" She turned to meet his gaze, making Brian's shoulders relax. It had been too long. He _almost_ could ignore the sting in her words.

Noticing the movement, Pell stuck out her finger and poked his shoulder repeatedly. "Though, I guess you do feel like any other regular human."

Brian smirked, trying to brush off her hurtful comments with humor, and gave a hollow laugh, "Technically, weren't we _all_ made from Federation goop?"

Pell drew back instantly. He mentally sighed. _That…wasn't entirely appropriate to say, either._ "Sorry. That was a dumb joke." He took hold of her retreating hand and massaged his thumb into her palm. "But see? That feels like a regular hand, right?"

She muttered, eyes half closed and downward. "I mean, I guess…"

"I'm as close to the original as I can be."

"No, but, that's not enough, it's-"

"You know, I'm surprised." He gripped her hand and smiled at her. "Pell, when did you become so interested in my body?"

Shock. Pell's eyes grew wide.

Brian didn't let go and continued the pressure. _I wonder what she's thinking?_

Still no response.

_This was probably going way too far. I'm not good at trying to lighten the mood_. He let go of her. "Haha, I'm just kidding-"

"The real Brian wouldn't say something like that."

Brian felt something snap in his head. "What?" he growled. _Argh! What the hell is that supposed to mean?!_

Pell looked both angry and sad. "The old Brian I knew wouldn't make jokes about things like that, and he wouldn't have forgotten that Tach knew '37!" she cried.

Brian flinched at the last part. "I was nervous! I still am! That was just a mistake! Regular people forget things too!"

"You never forgot things like that before!" She was gradually raising her voice. "And all of a sudden you're now a clone and you're starting to slip. It was bad enough that it took you a few days to walk without tripping-because you were never clumsy before. But I had to watch you relearn part of your job. Xander watched that too. Do you realize how guilty he feels? He wasn't able to sleep well for three days after you regenerated. You shouldn't have died in the first place. But you did! _And now I'll never see that Brian again,_ " she choked out the last sentence.

Now it was Brian's turn to be shocked.

She continued. "What else are you forgetting?! What else have you forgotten because we fucked up?!" Her eyes started to water and she turned away, rubbing them roughly with her forearm.

He closed his gaping mouth. "…I'm sorry. It wasn't Xander's fault. It was mine. I gave the strategy and made a mistake. All Xander did was listen to me and carry it out, like always. I made a mistake, and I died for it."

"Don't…say that!" A few tears were still coming out despite her incessant wiping. "It wasn't your fault…It was ours!"

_What can I do instead? I don't think I'm going to be able to persuade her on that front._ Brian resigned. He leaned his head back against the cold, metallic wall. "I have an idea. We have about 10 hours right?"

Pell stopped wiping her face and copied him. "Yeah."

"Ask me anything. Whatever you want. I'll prove to you that I still remember everything."

Silence, and then, "Full name."

"Brian Loren Culver."

"My full name."

"Pell Abernathy."

"I said full name."

"You don't have a middle name."

"…You got me."

Brian smiled at her sense of humor.

Pell continued. "How old are you?"

"23."

"How old am I?"

"Also 23."

"Where are you from?"

"I was born in Sector 11, on Baton Rouge. But later I had to move to Sector 1837."

"What about the rest of your family?"

"I don't have any siblings. My parents were both Ground Control Fighter Pilots. They died fighting at Battle of Sarotay when I was 12. I stayed on Baton Rouge under the care of other military families before the Rebels started to get stronger, and then they moved me to 1837 thinking it would be safer for me. A little ironic, in hindsight. It would have been safer on Baton Rouge compared to all we've been doing. But Pell, out of all the memories I would forget, it wouldn't be their deaths. I still remember what their body bags look like."

"So, you're saying you'd likely forget things about me and Xander?"

"…I didn't say that."

"…Sorry. That was an unfair question." She took a deep exhale. "How… did we meet?"

Brian closed his eyes.

* * *

_I was 21, close to my 22_ _nd_ _birthday. Rebels had started coming for central power sectors in the Federation all of a sudden. They were becoming ambitious due to their huge surge in numbers._

_When humans lived on earth, there was a lot of infighting between different human races. That issue and inequality continued into space and now as the Rebels started getting power, some races joined them specifically. A huge number of Indians and Africans in sectors heavily populated with them became allies of the Rebels overnight, signaling a deliberate plot. Though many of the new recruits in Rebel forces were Indians and Africans from these sectors, there were plenty of other human races joining. But, suddenly, these specific races within the Federation became targeted. They were labeled as traitors. Now seen as untrustworthy, they were given a lot of shit for the actions of others they happened to share skin color with. They were the scapegoats for such a huge turn in the war against the Federation. No one wanted to be associated with those from "The Indian District"._

_My parents were high ranking, not that it saved them much. They died honorably, or so I am told. Because of this, higher ups decided that they should spare me the fight and send me to the middle of nowhere, and enrolled me at Brentbridge Academy._

_I had finally started making peace with my parents' deaths. I had been given a locker, and was just putting my books in. I was supposed to meet someone to show me around._

_And then I saw you._

_Unfortunate brown skin and dark hair in a bun. You took great care of your uniform and looked serious, carrying your books. You wanted to avoid attention. You still got it anyway. Someone tripped you and you fell on your knees. I saw you glare at who you thought tripped you, but everyone was pretending they didn't notice you were even there. You dusted yourself off and took your books back into your hands. I stepped towards you and offered you my hand._

_You took it._

_I never did find out who was supposed to show me around, because I ended up talking to you for the rest of the day. And every day after that._

* * *

"Yeah, that is what happened, isn't it?" Satisfied, Pell leaned forward and looked at Brian.

"I told you, I remember everything."

She leaned back again. "I'm not done."

"Go on."

"How did we meet Xander?"

* * *

_Xander was in the same grade as us, and you obviously knew he existed longer than I had. But despite being in the same classes, you never talked to him much. He was insanely popular. It sort of pisses me off thinking about it even now. He was friendly towards you before I came along, but after "The Indian District" incident you didn't want to bother talking to him and cause issues for you both. But, knowing what I do now, I doubt Xander would have let any shit against you slide. You avoided_ everyone _up until we met. I don't think it was necessary._

_We were eating lunch in the courtyard. We saw a crowd pass the entrance. It was Xander and a group of girls._ _I thought,_ "Why does that piss me off so much?". _I saw your face and you looked annoyed too. I wasn't completely sure though. You didn't emote much back then._

_Xander saw you looking at him and waved at you. You kind of waved back, but it was clear you still didn't want to be talking to him out in public. He said something to his…friends? And opened the door. He had greeted me when I first enrolled. But this was when we had an actual conversation._

_He started eating lunch with us after that; People rarely came to see him during lunch as a result. I imagined you and I repelled them away. But he still would be popular enough during the rest of the school day. God, now I really_ am _getting angry…_

* * *

"Convinced?" Brian looked to her. She hadn't moved.

"No."

He took a deep breath. "Okay, what's the next question?"

"…Do you think you could do it again?"

He blinked. "What? Do what again?"

She gave him a pointed stare.

"Do you think you could die again?"

"…What? We're all at risk of dying from anything, at any time. It's not just me."

"What did it feel like?" she pressed further. "Xander and I saw everything. Nothing about that was graceful or painless. We couldn't do anything but hold your hands. You weren't able to hear us in the end."

"I…It felt like…" _Indescribable. It felt like hell._

"So, I am asking, do you think you would be able to go through that again? Since we're 'all at risk of dying from anything, at any time.' And again? And again? However many times it will take until we put the Rebels into the fucking ground? Because I can't…I can't keep watching you like that."

Brian started to lift his hand to put on Pell's shoulder to console her. He recalled what happened earlier and sank it back down before she noticed.

"When you were dying, we thought that maybe we should… speed up the process. But no one wanted to do it. There might come a time where a battle leaves you so wounded, it would be easier to have you die, since micro-cloning only does so much, before moving on to the next beacon. Would you like to get shot by your comrades? Do you think they want to be the ones to pull a trigger on you? Would you like to slowly suffocate in the airlock instead? Do you think you could do _any_ of these?"

"So, what I'm asking you is, do you think you could handle repeated deaths even if it means you are basically the same physically but not mentally coming out? You'd certainly remember each death, won't that eventually add up? You still think you're gonna be the same person after dying multiple times and remembering it only to die again? Your memories, even if completely there, won't save you then."

Brian's mind started to shut down.

"Brian. I'm asking you. Do you think you could handle dying multiple times?"

He closed his eyes, defeated. He exhaled. "No."

She straightened up. "See?"

"What are you getting at, Pell?"

"…I want us to have a Med Bay again."

His facial expression softened. "…You know we can't do that, Pell."

"We have enough money."

"We could always use it to improve something else."

"Like what? We can't cram that many more upgrades into this hull. We've been rolling in it and we still have a while to go before we reach the capital."

"Weapons can always be better. The Clone Bay has the potential to be good insurance sometimes."

"I doubt it. Where are we going to find better weapons?" She let out a wry laugh.

"We can't spend willy-nilly."

"This is not superfluous. Now, no one will have to die like they would have to with a clone bay. No one will have to deal with that kind of suffering and still be required to live on. Not them, or their comrades."

Incomprehensible sounds eked out of Brian's throat. Mouth open, but nothing of substance to say.

Without thinking, he put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his. He put his hand on her head and let her lean on his shoulder. He felt her hair tickle his cheek. She didn't resist.

"You… _really_ aren't going to forgive me if I die again, huh?"

Pell wordlessly buried her face under his chin. Her breath tickled his neck. A pause, and then, "No. I really won't. The ship can't afford to lose their Weapons man and strategist."

Brian closed his eyes and leaned into her hair, taking comfort in her smell. "Yeah. That's right. Then, I'd say the ship can't afford to lose their Engineer, either."

They stayed like that for several minutes. Brian shifted, coming up with an idea. "It's my turn now. To tell you something I remember that you probably don't remember." His voice was barely audible, soft and gentle, like how Pell remembered his past self.

After a long moment, Pell whispered. "What?"

"Do you remember when we had to jump away from Brentbridge?"

"Of course. How could any of us forget?"

"Well. I say you don't remember this, but you probably just flat out couldn't remember it even if you wanted to. They had taken out our Oxygen, and you'd gone in to fix it. But they were faster than us, and since you had left the Engines room our dodging chance was basically nothing. They targeted the oxygen again. And they had two Burst IIs…"

"All I remember is going into the Oxygen room, and a lot of pain. Xander just told me I was out for the majority of the fight."

"Yes. Xander was piloting, and we had no chance of jumping away if he had left. I was the one who had to get you out of the room and into the Med Bay."

Pell stirred a little.

"The room was a mess. There was a giant hull breach. There was some light coming from outside. You were in a giant pool of blood, and your face was stuck in this expression…I'm never going to forget it. I didn't know if you were going to make it, what with 5 shots into one room with a hull breach."

"I had forgotten to take my medicine before the fight, and I was so nauseous. I spent the beginning of the battle just vomiting, wasting time before the two of us realized you were in danger. We could have let you die before we even got the chance to fight back for the first time. After we were safe, we didn't want to tell you how bad you had gotten. We didn't want to weigh you down by telling you the whole truth."

Brian pressed her head against him even more. "We obviously made it, and then later we lost the _Kestrel_ and got stuck with this ship. But what I'm saying is, this goes both ways. You don't want to see me die. And I don't want to see you die, either. We're going to have to give each other trust that we won't, if we are going to see through this to the end. We can't move forward with one foot already in a grave."

"You'll just die again."

"I'll never leave you. Don't you remember that at least, what I said while I was dying? I'm never leaving you and Xander alone. I'll go wherever you both are. Question is, are _you_ gonna die on me, Pell?"

Brian felt her crack a smile. "I'm the Engineer. I don't have to move around during battle, and if boarders come near me, I'd be given priority protection. I already know how to fight. It's you I'm worried about."

"Why? Even though I've barely been able to do anything useful the past month?" He chuckled. "You're right, though. Out of all the systems, it's Engines that should be given priority. _Not_ the Weapons room like it is right now."

"That's…I still think we should get a med bay. You need to talk to Xander."

"Yeah, it does sound like I need to at this point, huh?" he drawled.

"Yeah…But maybe in a few minutes?"

"…Sure."

He had no idea how much time had passed. He felt like the two of them were in their own world.

"And…I'm sorry I said you weren't real. And just made of goop. That must have hurt your feelings, especially since you were the one who actually died."

He brushed her hair absent-mindedly. "It did. But it's fine, I'm not offended. I'm sorry I grabbed you. I was just trying to make things less serious, but I think I did the opposite instead."

Brian felt her exhale on his throat. "You should just be like you've always been. Don't say weird things. It's not like you."

"You know me pretty well."

"Of course." She looked up at him and shared a smile. "It goes the other way around too, right?"

He gratefully returned it.

"That's not even a question."

* * *

Xander sat at the helm, typing along the panels. _Optimization is so tedious. We could upgrade the piloting systems, but that money could go elsewhere for now._

He saw a dark blue uniform sit down to his left. "Hey."

"Hey." At least while he was typing, he had an excuse of not looking at him.

There was only the sound of _ping_ s as Xander continued typing. Then, "I was talking to Pell."

_I can tell where this is headed._ "Oh."

"She said you haven't been sleeping well after I came back."

Xander suddenly became fixated on the keyboard. "I'm sleeping fine."

"It wasn't your fault, you know."

Xander took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "I should have given the plan more thought before executing it." He glanced at Brian. Both of them were serious.

"It's fine. I'm fine."

"You are."

"Does that mean you'll finally chill out and stop acting so awkward around me?"

"I don't know what you're talking abo-"

" _Listen_ , you fuckboy," Brian hissed, remembering his discussion with Pell about him and his posse of friends. "Both you and Pell have been acting weird ever since I died. Just fess up to it. It's not your fault, and I'm fine. I can do everything I used to do, and it's not like I forgot you when I became a clone. So, stop. Please."

Xander jerked backwards. "Okay okay! Wait, 'fuckboy'? That was unnecessary don't you thin-"

"And _another thing_."

He grew exasperated. "What!?"

Brian's voice quietened. "I think we should get a Med Bay."

Xander gawked. Then scoffed, "You know that's not a good idea."

"Pell made some good points."

"I'm sure, but-"

Brian leaned his elbow on the control panel. "Do you think this ship could handle another crew member dying?"

"I'd rather have a clone of my best friends than a corpse."

"Yeah, and I'd rather have my best friends talk to me. The Clone Bay isn't invincible either. If it gets hacked or damaged, we're as good as corpses anyway."

"It's a bad idea."

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"…I'll think about it."

* * *

A week had passed, and to Brian's relief, things were starting to loosen up between the trio. Pell started acknowledging him again. Xander became more easy-going.

_It's ironic, because if the two of you hadn't treated me any different, I probably wouldn't have been any different than before._

He was passing through the hall leading to the bridge when he saw Pell, face buried in a tablet, walking to Xander. He saw her discussing something with him, and the two shared a laugh. His heart felt at ease.

_If I had to honestly say what the old me felt about you two…I really think he did just want to protect both of you. That's it._

_But who knows for sure? I mean, that was coming from the same dumbass that convinced himself that he was okay with his parents' death. He told himself that it didn't matter so long as he had you two, who aren't even family and just friends he'd had for a couple years. Then I actually had to go and talk about my emotions with you two. I'm just now starting to realize and work through these feelings that my previous version just repressed away._

Xander's eyes trailed away to Brian off in the distance and gave a nod. Pell grinned at him.

_Pell was worried about me being different. But at what point would it be me being different versus just changing as a person over time, like people normally do?_

Pell walked towards Brian, mouth open as she started to say something. But Brian couldn't focus on what. Blood was roaring in his ears. He couldn't stop staring at her.

He smiled at her.

_So, I wonder…_

_To keep being myself, to keep being the same,_

_Am I allowed to change?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading all the way through.
> 
> “I don’t like the Clone Bay.”
> 
> This thought ringing in my mind, I took a piece of the game that players take for granted and humanized it through writing. Thought FTL is a game, and you are not given the privilege of having morals, I still hope this made you think. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> * * *


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